Everything is golden

It's so easy to just sink into the feeling sorry for yourself vibe. It's so common, especially for me anytime something doesn't feel right I think about how crappy things are. Sure, things are crappy, life's not perfect...but if I didn't have to deal with all this crap I wouldn't be the person who I am now. And I think I like who I am. I'm not going to lie about stuff, ya, there are crappy, crappy aspects, but there is SO much I have to be greatful for. I've got to learn to look past it, even look past people's flaws. So I'm going to focus on me for a second, I would say I'm pretty accomplished, not compared to some people, but for me I'm proud of what I've done.

I was in a choir for 5 years, I even went to Europe on a tour. I've sung in ISMF numerous times, sung in Roy Thomas Hall. I'm qualified to be a swimming instructor, and I've taught in pools and lakes. I have my NLS, I've lifegaurded regatta's, public swims, pool parties. I've been on a softball team and tennis team (though I totally sucked on both). I got into University without the back up of a private school, then I got into an AMAZING program. I'm going to be doing placements in public schools within the next 2 months. I found an amazing roomate and awesome apartment. I survived my first year of University. I'm pretty accomplished. I think so anyway. So why do I waste time sulking over the fact that a guy didn't like me for me? Or that my mother thinks I'm fat? It's so stupid, I should just let myself live.

There is SO much more that I want to accomplish. I want to be a teacher, then a principle at some point. I want to go to Europe again, I want to go to Mexico and Australia. I want to have kids and a house. I want to buy my dad land. I want to be happy. I don't want to sulk over crappy stuff. I want to remember how lucky I am and just smile instead of frown. My parents presented me with so many opportunities to excel and turn myself into what I've become and I don't want to let them down. Not even just for them though, for me. All the times that they yelled at me or pushed me was because they care. Mom signing me up for Bronze Cross was a great thing, otherwise I would have never made it to being a swimming instructor - something that has given me such a sense of fulfillment.

So, instead of crying over the fact that I don't have a guy who likes me or who I can like, or sulking over the fact that a friend is mad at me, I'm just going to suck it up and study. So far life has been good, but if I don't do all the right prep work right now it might not stay that way. I'd really like it to. Afteral, fundementals are the building blocks of fun ;)

It seems that everytime I write something it seems sad or depressing, kind of wierd because I'm not a sad or depressed person. I've had my share of ups and downs, but who hasn't. So I'm going to try and be a little more upbeat instead of bitching about something that's on my mind.
I've got a great apartment, it's so cute, definetly girly. Linds (my roomie) and I plan on having a Thanksgiving dinner, it'll be fun. Our apartment is pretty girly, we usually have fresh baked goodies and our kitchen completely matches. We've got a great location, only a 15 minute walk to downtown and we're right on both Trent bus routes. Seems that all my friends live with a 10 minute walking distance and that's super. I dunno, I just love it, it's an awesome place!

So this weekend I went home. Dad converted from an Anglican to a Catholic and it was imperative that I be there for him. I left here on Thursday afternoon and spent a night with K and her friends in Toronto. We went out for food and within that 30 minute span of time I saw two people who I used to know, it was kind of crazy. Anyhow, we drank a little and just had a good time. We ended up sharing her tiny, res bed... I became very close with the wall! It was great. Next day we went out for lunch and met with Heather for a bit! It was good to see her, even if it was only for about an hour. Got home and my brother bitched at me for not calling him when I was in Toronto, apparently I was 10 minutes away from him, and apparently he cared!
Friday night I saw Landon, we just watched a movie, nothing super special. Saturday was my Dad's big day! His b-day is also next weekend but I'm not going to be able to make it home then so I gave him his present then. I bought him a shovel, he needed a new one for the cottage. Anyhow, my Aunts and Uncles and my family all went to Church. After my mom gave my uncle the finger!!! It was amazing. He didn't see it because it was over the phone, but Madds and I sure did!

Dinner with the family was really nice. My aunt was drunk and there's a hilarious story that goes along with that. She basically called Monique Nicole. Then when we said that wasn't her name she was like, oh I've had a glass of wine. Then pointed at Monique and practically yelled "I know you." You kind of had to be there. After my family dinner I hung out at the Sami's with Mike, we watched some old school hockey and the end of Castaway. It was good to see him!!

Okay, i think that was really boring, maybe I should stick to just writing when I'm sad. Maybe it's all boring? Oh well, it's therapeutic for me to write, it's like a journal. Actually according to Cosmo journals are out and blogging is in!!

All By Myself

Okay, to start off so I don't end up offending my friends... I know I'm not actually alone, so don't take that this way.

I feel so alone, I hang out with people every day and I'm constantly meeting new people. But when it comes down to it I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone. I think it has to do with the fact that for once, pretty much since grade 9.. I'm single. I'm just not used to it, not used to not having that one person who's gonna care if you've had a crappy night or whatever. I know my friends are out there but it's just not the same. There's no one to have hug me and just forget about it. Sure, there are people who would fool around with me to help me forget about it. BUT I'M SO SICK OF IT ALL. When's it gonna stop? When is stuff going to not be about sex, because I think I'm seriously about to have a break down. I've totally shut off from anything sex related. I freak out and don't want to do it and if I push myself I end up feeling horrible and like I'm nothing. I met a nice guy, except.. well he had the wrong impression about stuff, my bad, whatever, figured I could hook up with him anyway... but nope, couldn't do it. I completely bailed. I can't put myself in the position where I'm just gonna be a sex toy they can call up and have a good time with. It's too degrading, I feel so worthless.

I think that's what makes me feel alone... the sex with a person who doesn't care about you in that way. This sounds incredibly corny, but whatever, I was raised to not have sex until marriage, I'll be honest that didn't happen. I was watching 7th Heaven the other day (don't laugh or ask...) and well, basically the Dad was having a sex talk with Simon and he said something along the lines of "Maybe you're not suppose to have sex until marriage because it's too complicated." To me that makes sense, I'm not saying I regret it, but it would be a lie to say it's not complicated. I'm not sure I agree, but I think it's an interesting way of looking at it.

This is scattered and random, but I don't think I would have been able to sleep if I didn't get it all off my chest. It's just rants, so really it's not a biggie...

Come away with me

Norah Jonesing is the new term of the day. Basically it means jonesing after someone, with a twist. It's more like craving a relationship, but the sweet and romatic kind. So if you day dream about a guy sweeping you off your feet, then you're Norah Jonesing. I myself have fallen victim to this recently. It can be quite distracting and incredibly frustrating. Everywhere I look there seems to be couples or romance and I've had enough of it. I turn on the t.v and there's Rory and Dean all in love with each other, I change the channel and it's Nathan and Haley. (Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill are usually after each other, but give me a break). My roomate is into Friends a lot so we were watching the 2nd season, the one where Ross and Rachel finally get together. That kiss! MY GOD. It's enough to drive me insane. Thankfully I'm not alone in my state of Norah Jonesing, I do have a few companions and I can always turn on Sex and the City to find a few more. {seems my whole life revolves around t.v. but that's not true...}
I'm not even sure if I'm ready for a Norah Jones relationship, I'm not sure I could take the romance, but it's something I've been craving and wouldn't mind trying. Problem is, I don't think there are many guys in search of a similar style relationship. In University, or at this age it seems to be about one thing mainly. Sex. Ive got no problem with that, but how much can you really take? How many relationships have to be focused on sex before you can get an actual one? And how much sex is enough for the actual relationship to stay a float? Some have told me that they think sex 3 times a day at this age is a good average. Personally I find that a little crazy, but maybe if I was Norah Jonesing after someone that wouldn't be.
Where do you draw the line, how much much sex do you have to have before you can get a real relationship? And once in that relationship how much sex do you have to have?

Come away with me

Norah Jonesing is the new term of the day. Basically it means jonesing after someone, with a twist. It's more like craving a relationship, but the sweet and romatic kind. So if you day dream about a guy sweeping you off your feet, then you're Norah Jonesing. I myself have fallen victim to this recently. It can be quite distracting and incredibly frustrating. Everywhere I look there seems to be couples or romance and I've had enough of it. I turn on the t.v and there's Rory and Dean all in love with each other, I change the channel and it's Nathan and Haley. (Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill are usually after each other, but give me a break). My roomate is into Friends a lot so we were watching the 2nd season, the one where Ross and Rachel finally get together. That kiss! MY GOD. It's enough to drive me insane. Thankfully I'm not alone in my state of Norah Jonesing, I do have a few companions and I can always turn on Sex and the City to find a few more. {seems my whole life revolves around t.v. but that's not true...}
I'm not even sure if I'm ready for a Norah Jones relationship, I'm not sure I could take the romance, but it's something I've been craving and wouldn't mind trying. Problem is, I don't think there are many guys in search of a similar style relationship. In University, or at this age it seems to be about one thing mainly. Sex. Ive got no problem with that, but how much can you really take? How many relationships have to be focused on sex before you can get an actual one? And how much sex is enough for the actual relationship to stay a float? Some have told me that they think sex 3 times a day at this age is a good average. Personally I find that a little crazy, but maybe if I was Norah Jonesing after someone that wouldn't be.
Where do you draw the line, how much much sex do you have to have before you can get a real relationship? And once in that relationship how much sex do you have to have?

Enough is enough

Protecting people can get very, very tiring. How do those over protective parents handle it? It seems some people are so concerned about other people getting hurt they never seem to realise the toll it takes on them. When does that become too much and end up destroying you?

People want to protect the people they care about, it makes sense, it's an instinct. You don't want to see someone you love hurt, low, down in the dumps, whatever. For the sensitive types when seeing this they themselves become down in the dumps. When is enough enough?

I'm pretty sensitive, I hate hurting people I care about and I hate seeing the people I care about in crappy situations. I don't like it, what can I say. But when do I draw the line? I can't stand around and feel for all the people in my life suffering, that takes such a toll on me. I end up staying in crappy relationships because I can't bare to see someone upset over a break up, I end up lending my money to my dad because I know he needs it. So, now that I've recognised this, how do I stop it? How do I just say enough is enough, fight your own battles and I'll fight mine?

biggest heartache

My heart is aching right now. It's not for "the" man in my life right now, seeing as there isn't one. But it's for the two men in my life who mean the world to me. In case you don't know that's my brother and my daddy. It's 1"20 both of them are still at work working hard and that kills me. I can't bear to see what they have to compromise just to get by. It's not fair.
My dad's the most generous and wonderful person I know, granted he has his issues, but we all do. It hurts so much because I haven't seen him happy in years. There have been moments but it's not like it used to be. His smiles are forced, his laughter is weaker, he's just not the same. It's all because he's so stressed, just trying to get by and support his wife and kids. I'm not even exaggerating. Not in the least. He's so miserable doing what he does and I just wish that he didn't have to do it. I wish he could live in the middle of the wilderness in a shack because that's what would truely make him happy.
Mom is at the cottage with Maddie... Mike's working at the office with daddy, I feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out (can't really decide). This is when I want to be loved, when I'm completely and utterly alone. All I want is someone there to hold my hand and take me away to a safe place and I just can't find it. Doesn't matter where or who I turn to it's just an empty spot right now. It even sucks to be at home because everywhere I turn I'm taken back to a place where I once felt an amazing emotion and remembering that even tares me up. It's the feeling of hating to sleep because sleep means dreaming and dreams can hurt. It's the feeling of holding Shaggy (my stuffed animal elephant) and my unnamed bear from Laura as tight as I can to try and render some feeling of comfort. I once wrote a poem about how hard night time can be. I've never poured more emotion onto one piece of paper. Sometimes I just can't take it. I'm like a flower that opens it's pettals in the morning and then closes them again at night, only I open up at night and close in the morning. In the middle of the night everything is up for viewing and I'm as open as I'll ever be. Then the day comes and I close up, but when nighttime falls all the colors come flooding back.
I'm a little emotional, it's just a phase, in a couple of days it'll be gone and I'll read this blog and regret writing it and possibly delete it. Can't say it's never happened